Happy Valentines Day

Valentines Day is upon us. I am always approached on the street by people asking “How do you do it? How do you keep the ladies so satisfied? You’re the king B!” Or something like that…anyway, I thought that keeping my secrets for a great relationship is a little selfish. Why throw some dogs a bone on this joyful occasion?

Here are some tips. You’re welcome

•Dominance — Girls like a guy who can take charge. They want you to make decisions for them and their family, tell them what to do, and expect them to obey without question. A romantic guy will treat his lady friend like a servant, child, or even as his possession.
•Humiliation — A true Romeo will do everything he can to make a chick feel bad about herself, or at the very least defective in some way. After all, if they believe they're worthless and that no one else will want them, they're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all good tactics designed to erode their self-esteem and make them feel powerless.
•Isolation — In order to increase her dependence on you, consider cutting her off from the outside world. Keep her from seeing family or friends, or even prevent her from going to work or school. Make her ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
•Threats — Use threats to keep your lady from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. From time to time threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against her, or report her to child services. It shows you are willing to take the time to make it work.
•Intimidation — Use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare your muse into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if they don't obey, there will be violent consequences. She will melt.
•Denial and blame — Blame your short temper and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on her. Shifting the responsibility to your Valentine will hopefully make them think the problems in the relationship are her fault.

It’s good to be back.

Ram Pinata

1 UNC Pinata filled with candy and airplane bottles met it's fate at the hands of two brave little Wolfpackers on Saturday.


RAM PINATA from JBOOTY on Vimeo.

Putting the stem on the apple part II

We just got back from the doctor's office where we found out that baby #2 will be a boy.

For some reason, i kind of thought this one would be a girl. Should we decide to go for 3, i'll watch Mystic Pizza or Sex and the City or something all the time to ensure we have a little girl. It's scientific folks. Don't even try to argue.

I've been MIA for a while because i've had some silly shit going on. I'll post more about it later.

peace and monkey grease

Brent: 1 Ralph S. Mouse: 0

What finally drug me kicking and screaming from my self-imposed blogging hiatus? A tale of heroism, bravery, self-sacrifice and the strength of the human spirit. This morning, at approximately 8:03AM i slayed a mouse.

Let me set the scene: I staggered into the kitchen wiping the sleep from my eyes when i first encountered the great beast. It looked up at me with it's empty black eyes and i was reminded of Robert Shaw's soliloquy from Jaws. I'll paraphrase:

And, you know, the thing about a mouse... he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all the poundin' and the hollerin', they all come in and they... rip you to pieces.

So i knew, it was my family or the mouse.

Thinking quickly, i asked my wife to hand me something to kill something with. BA great hunter in her own right, my lovely bride handed me the instrument that would employed to send this mouse to the deepest depths of hell via our trash can. The weapon: a single Rainbow flip-flop.

I knew i only had one shot. I knew if i missed or just winged him, he would surely take out my throat in a vicious array of gnashing teeth and curled tails. So i took aim and let loose the sandal.

As far as i know, i have no Aboriginal ancestors, but if i did, they surely would be proud this day. The flip flop, like a majestic boomerang, struck the animal with such force and accuracy that it died upon impact.

The mouse lay before me dead. I finally exhaled. The job was done. My family was safe.

Study Results

Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

David Blaine

These are funny. Watch them.

Mustachioed II

2 weeks into Project Chest Rockwell and i almost get murdered by a damn Autobot.

Overall, the mustache is just OK. I think i might need to trim it.

In other news, i had a bunch of ants in my office this morning, so i had to spray Raid. Apparently the air circulation is not up to snuff, because Q-Bert just asked me to a Pink Floyd laser light show. I think i went...

To Have a Great 4th, Get A 5th On The 3rd

Best advice i've been given in months. It was a client and the customer is always right, so really, it's just good business.

Have a great 4th. USA! USA! USA!

According to Jim Renewed

According to Jim, ABC's ode to America's dumbest humans has been renewed. If you watch this show, i hate you. Here are a couple of clips from Freaks and Geeks to cleanse your pallet.

Shaq and Some Fat Kids

This is the best show on TV right now. There. I said it.

Only 1 episode in and this thing has me hooked. I have long expressed my dismay with the ever-increasing waistlines of America's youth and finally, Shaq heard my call.

Here is some chick(that looks a little like Laura Cunningham) talking about it. It is the second clip.



More on this topic on Parental Writes later today